Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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