Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
