Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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