having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
