corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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