dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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