i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
