everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
