I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize