Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize