im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
