Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
