shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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