Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
