God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
false alarm, still single
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
