Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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