I'm sorry my penis didn't work
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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