Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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