Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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