the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
