I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize