3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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