You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
