I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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