I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
