we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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