So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
