I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize