I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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