My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
