i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
