I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
