I think I died a long time ago.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
