I didn't shave. On purpose
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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