I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
