i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
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