I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
