I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
