I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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