I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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