dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
