Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
