we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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