I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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