He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
