Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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