There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
