When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
