Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Found the puke drawer
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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