Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
