Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
