If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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