A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
i've created a new STD.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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