I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
