I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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