I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
