I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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