Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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