My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
