I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize