hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
