soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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