My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
