I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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