omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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