I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
