Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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